What Happened to Beth in 2018?

Warning… this blog is not a soundbite — it’s long. So if you want a quick feel-good moment this probably isn’t it. But if you make it all the way to the end, you might just discover parts of my story are parts of the story God is wanting to write to you, too.

I took a year off. It was a slow fade but it was 365 days of tapping out. I called it my sabbath year (my seventh year of ministry), but the truth is I was depleted and not really sure if the ministry was for me anymore. I didn’t tell anyone I was leaving, because honestly, I didn’t know if I was going to return. I didn’t acutally know much of anything when I walked into 2018 except I was tired.

I was over the hustle, the hype, and the noise. All I could think of was if this is what ministry is I am not sure I want it, and if I don’t want it maybe I was never called to it in the first place.

And there it was… my default language every time something didn’t turn out the way I expected or didn’t feel the way I thought it should. Like Jacob who wrestled with God, I would wrestle with an illegitimate spirit.

Fix Me Or Get Me Out of Here!

ENOUGH! Fed-up with hiking the same trail over and over again I pleaded with God either fix whatever feeds that mindset or set me free from ministry!

The twelve months that followed were some of the most painful but preciously sacred moments. Honest transformation led by the Holy Spirit touched every area of my life. My Father in heaven who loves me more than I loved myself began to invade mindsets, opinions, false images and relationships I had scattered between the two of us. I opened the door, and He was ready to clean house.

The first thing He did was pull back the false lenses I looked at myself through. When that happened, I began to see people, ministry, and relationships that had become a form of idolatry and was consuming bandwidth dedicated to Him. The truth hit me like a tsunami hitting an island after a great earthquake. Everything that could be shaken began to shake, but the Truth was washing over me and liberating me!

Stop! It’s Just For You Daughter.

I instantly wanted to run out and share with everyone what I was learning, but I couldn’t — I was tongue-tied by the truth. The answer to my question began to unfold as God began to teach me that I didn’t have to do more to be more anymore… The most powerful words He spoke to me when I asked Him why I felt the way I felt about ministry were these…

I never called you to this. I never called you to be my slave, I called you to be my daughter…

How detached from my birthright had I become? I couldn’t even receive healing without trying to figure out how He intended to use me with it. How twisted is that? Why couldn’t it just be for me? The roots of illegitimacy ran deep, and my Father was digging to get them all. And as He dug, I became painfully more aware that I didn’t know how to be His daughter apart from doing something for him. And so began the journey of learning why I couldn’t let Him heal and speak to me just because I was His, and not so that I could be used by Him.

The road to sonship (another word for adoption) has been long and arduous. However, the fruit radically transformed me at levels I’ve never journeyed before. Hopefully, God and I can share more of that at another time.

Facing The Illegitimate Voice.

I thought when the year closed I would have clarity on what I was to do next. I don’t. I definitely have clarity on what I don’t want to do or be involved in ever again. That being said, I am still learning how this new rhythm plays out in this world we call full-time ministry.

I will tell you I did come to terms with that beastly voice of illegitimacy over my calling and my life. I can assure you beyond the shadow of a doubt; I have been called, anointed, and gifted by my Father, through the power of the Holy Spirit. To preach, teach, and share in whatever way He deems fit the life-changing message of the cross of Jesus Christ and the life we inherit and have rights to as sons and daughters of God.

I am not bound out of obligation to walk out this calling, but it’s been presented to me as a choice. And by choosing or not choosing it changes nothing about my adoption or my inheritance. I will not miss out on all of God’s goodness for my life regardless of my choice. And it will not impact what my experience is in eternity either. He adores me for me, and that alone is enough to release the fullness of God’s blessing and love over my life.

That liberating knowledge only came when I faced two very painful truths I could no longer hide from.

The Letting Go.

The first truth was that I had spent seven years of ministry striving to prove to a small handful of people I was who God called me to be, and if they believed it, then their approval would validate that call. It was an ugly truth to accept, but when I owned it I became free of it.

The second truth I had to accept was that I am not who I wanted to be and I may never be her. See, God gave me a vision when He called me into ministry. There I stood standing in front of a mass audience with a ministry large enough to employ people and I was speaking. That image has sustained me for 7 years, and last year I let that vision die.

As a good friend and pastor recently told me, when a spaceship launches it has two solid rocket boosters on either side. Their purpose is to get the spaceship off the ground but at some point, the ship must release the heavy rocket boosters in order to make it into space. My vision from God was my rocket boosters. In many ways, it launched me into ministry and fueled me along the way. But for so very long I’ve thought that vision was the destination. Now I’ve come to learn it was simply the fuel to get me off the ground.

Letting go of the vision is not saying I was heading in the wrong direction, any more than saying the spaceship wasn’t going into outer space. The truth is I am still going where God has always been taking me, I have just dropped a lot unnecessary weight so He can take me on the next leg of the journey.

So friend, that’s part of my story. And I know it was long, and I hope you made it all the way to the end. I genuinely want to continue to share the life-changing truths to those who follow me on the blog, join Remade’s mentorship, or attend my events — and I hope you’ll be one of those who stick around and see what God has in store.

All my love and friendship,

PS… what about you? Did God do something transformative in your 2018? I would love you to share it with me in the comments or a private message. I think we can learn something from each other.