Caught somewhere between I’m a freaking hot mess and my messiness is beautiful is about where I’ve been living for a season. As I shared a few weeks ago, I have been on a bit of a journey. A season of rest turned radical healing, and over time
One of those unlearning moments came through the lie camouflaged as a Christian truth “we don’t trust our feelings.” Have you ever been told that before? Girl, if you’ve followed me for any length of time, I’ve told you that! I mean we’re taught as Christians early on that the heart is deceitful and not to trust our own understanding. You can find both those thoughts in Jeremiah 17:9 and Proverbs 3:5-6.
Here Is The Problem.
The problem with cherry-picking scriptures and creating a biblical truth around it is we start mixing the Old Testament Covenant with the New Testament Covenant. Then we get a concoction of grace trying to be lived out with a measure of working harder at being better — all under the appearance of a “good” Christian.
And that’s exactly how I lived — a lot of professing NT faith with a hint of OT legalism.
But they just came back and usually leaked out in fits of rage, yelling, and uncontrollable meltdowns. Followed by isolation and a lot of self-loathing. Oh, I hope at least one person can relate, and I’m not standing here naked so-to-speak.
It Began to Change.
According to Dr. V (my therapist), she calls that raging a secondary emotion. An indicator of something deeper that I am unwilling to deal with. Oh, girl, I had no idea! I wasn’t trying to avoi a painful issue; I had no idea what the issues were. That is how deeply it was buried.
That little bit of information explained why no amount of fasting, praying or attempting to use self-control delivered me from those emotions. No, I didn’t find a permanent fix until I learned to feel what was truly hurting me. And friend, it was terrifying!
Completely counter-culture to the life I have been living for over 24 years. It felt all sorts of “new-
But as I walked through a discipleship course by Peter Scazzero, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, I read, “The first step in the hard work of discipleship is to experience the full weight of your feelings without censoring them.” Hmmmm…. perhaps there was some truth to this feeling thing.
The Truth of It All.
Here’s the plain and simple truth of it all. Jesus Christ died, rose again, and ascended to heaven so that His Holy Spirit would take up residence inside the heart of every person who believes in Him. Therefore at the moment, I believed this single solitary truth, my heart was fully transformed into a righteous, loving, and completely restored heart. It is no longer deceitful it is redeemed. And my feelings and emotions are not untrustworthy because the Holy Spirit leads me into all truth.
The real battle has never been my heart, it’s been my head! Getting my mind to align with what my heart has already received is the ultimate, and lifelong work, of the cross. And it’s a journey that doesn’t seem to end until His return — so says Philippians 1:6.
So that’s where I’ve been. Learning that feelings are not dictators but indicators of something deeper going on. I do not have to fear nor be ashamed of them. And the truth is there is no condemnation because of them. (so says Romans 8:1) God in his love and compassion has gifted to
It Takes Practice.
Look, I don’t have this all figured out. I’ve been working on vulnerability because I typically think I’m weak when I expose my underbelly. [Hello enneagram 8] So I don’t allow that part topside very often. H
Like anything new, it is hard, and I feel like quitting a lot. Feelings are no joke – unless you’re feeling happy because you heard a joke [I digress]. But I am finding in the process of letting this all come out, that many people struggle like me. And I bet if you allow yourself to walk down that road with a trusted friend or therapist, you’ll discover that too.
All my love and friendship,
PS… what about you? Did any lightbulbs go off as they did for me? I hope you’ll share them in the comments below or in a private email. We don’t have to walk this out alone. Let’s figure it out together.
Hi Beth, I know about feelings. I learned a lot about my mind and body because of listening to my feelings. I used to have major panic attacks, not fun, the scariest I’ve ever experienced. I was put in meds and not monitored for years and ended up going through major drug withdrawal. That was the most terrifying. I’m not sure how long it took but I spent hours on my knees praying for relief. After I could actually leave my home I started going to therapy. It was 1991. The best thing I ever did. The most important person in my life as well as you as for as therapy goes. I learned about my feelings my shortcomings, to forgive myself and also how to diagnose myself when dealing with trusting myself. My Dr would tell me you can’t control your body, emotions, etc. so through many years of therapy, like over 15, I learned about diagnosing and trusting my body, mind to pinpoint what was triggering certain emotions. Such things as what I ate or drank or did I watch something I knew I shouldn’t. My spirit is very sensitive and learning from God’s word and who the Holy Spirit is I have peace, total peace. So feelings of any kind are so important to listen to for me. Thank you for this. Take all the time you need to get to the other side. Whether it feels like climbing a mountain or crawling out of a pit. You will know that you know that you have reached the end and start anew. It’s an amazing ride but worth every minute spent. It can get scary at times but so worth it. Abba is a good good Father. Love you Beth❤️
Thank you for sharing your journey. I believe we all have something to share and others can take away from. You are a dear dear woman who I just adore. You’ve done the hard work and you’re reaping the benefits of it. All my love friend.