{FAITH OVER FEAR} My Journey Out Of Hiding

{It’s with such joy that I introduce, Staci Payne, the social media coordinator for Remade Ministries, and a very dear friend of mine. Today is Staci’s debut as a blogger and writer on the ol’ interweb, and she’s come out fierce and fearless! To speak with Staci you can hear compassion and tenderness come through her every word and tone. She’s jealous for God and passionate about His people. Please join me in welcoming this brave and bold sister! Share her post and leave a lot of comments!}

__________________________

Why did I say yes to this? Nobody wants to look at me. I am such a joke. Back out now. They won’t see Jesus in you; your flaws are too loud. They are all going to laugh at you.

Being asked to speak onstage during the Living Remade Workshop: Faith Over Fear was my very own horror story. I kept thinking that all everyone would see was the ugly, the cracks, and the unlovely. Why was I asked to do this? I told myself that I lost all my talent years ago in the heavy folds of flesh that robbed me of all self worth. The enemy fed me lie after lie and my fear grew fatter by the day leading up to March 22nd.

You see, over the past four years I’ve gained almost 100 pounds. Yes I said that number out loud. Ok, you are still reading. I’m still breathing. That’s out of the way.

With the tremendous weight gain from a newly diagnosed autoimmune thyroid disease coupled with having my first child, the shame and heartbreak seemed to weigh the heaviest of all.

The struggle was real and I’ve spent the last four years in hiding. I would step out of pictures, avoid gatherings with friends, pray before going out in public that I wouldn’t run into anyone, decline invitations, and have cried overflowing bottles of painful tears in this self-inflicted isolation.

My body became my prison, and I stopped daring to live out the big dreams I once held close. I was shackled in fear…the fear of being seen. It was so easy to speak God’s promises and truth over others, but to believe I was fearfully and wonderfully made was a hard pill of truth to swallow. I felt ruined. I didn’t feel loved and I didn’t feel chosen. Could people really SEE my heart past the veil of failure that draped my frame? Would I ever feel free again?

Rewind back a decade ago when I performed on stages with the ease of breath. I loved singing, acting, hosting, teaching-basically being in the spotlight and living life out loud did not intimidate me one bit; it totally energized me. This person that now looked back in at me in the mirror appeared to be a lifeless stranger paralyzed by fear.

Fast forward to that sunny morning in March seated in the sanctuary about to head up on stage. My notes shook violently in my hands. I felt like I was going to throw up. Something HAD to change!

God brought me to this moment for a purpose and I had to step out of the boat and get wet. I had to obey and believe what He said about me to be nothing but absolute truth. I was not an exception to the truth, and victory was for me, too!

He calls us not to be perfect vessels, but obedient ones, and this was my moment of truth. I sat there in the dimly lit space surrounded by over 600 women and prayed and worshipped my heart out. I decided in that moment to empty myself out at the altar and breathe in His perfect love and grace. Before I stepped up those stairs onto the platform I spoke a very simple prayer: “You must increase, I must decrease. Let this time be all for your glory. Help me, Jesus, to live for you and let go of fear.”

And I did it!

I shined. I let go. I served the Body of Christ and not my fear. I unlocked the shackles and danced in freedom. I ripped out the world’s labels and dressed myself in His truth. I truly am fearfully and wonderfully made through and through!

I was thrown into a new direction by this wild encouragement. I was stunned! In that moment He stood before me like a giant mirror and I saw myself not as a failure any longer, but a Daughter of the King, a precious beauty that He and others adored- flaws and all. That day all those women did not see my mirage of inadequacies like I did, but saw Jesus Himself wrapped around me like a bow presenting His child to the world to fulfill His good works that He began in me long ago.

Psalm 139:14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Since that day I have been stepping out of hiding and doing it afraid. He makes me brave! I take pictures with bright smiles; I walk with my head held high, and I now operate from a place of victory – no longer the victim. His healing truth and hope has been my greatest weapon to demolish any fear and lie. The amazing Lord of my life, that loves every inch of me, captivates my heart and thoughts. He has even opened the door to greater healing through wisdom; I have lost close to twenty pounds since that day all because I did it afraid and trusted Him in faith that He would make a way. He has released me and I don’t intend on ever holding back or hiding again!

Shine on loved ones,

Staci

{NOW YOUR TURN} What is keeping you hidden? Are you like me afraid to be seen? Let’s continue the conversation in the comments below.