What can be made beautiful?

Can I be real tonight?  Let’s see what actually comes out. Here it goes…

This weekend I responded to a very difficult situation that, when it was all over, devastated me. For the past two days I’ve shouldered the weight of shame and condemnation. Thoughts of I should have known better… I should have walked away… If only I had… were rotating with the vision of my actions. I just wanted to hide.

Oddly enough, my actions have been forgiven by everyone accept…me. Forgiving myself seems like too easy of a release. I could justify myself, by saying it was a mistake, a laps of good judgement, or a moment of weakness, but the thought of allowing myself that escape just appears too simple. It seems like just punishment, the instant replays of that moment at least a hundred more times, all the while torturing myself by wishing I could take back every second – only to face the reality that it can never be erased. Due penance… right?

Yes, that is exactly what shame and condemnation does… it keeps me cloaked in darkness and unable to see the light. The cloak is so thick it begins to suffocate anything good that tries to come out. It’s weight so unbearable that it demobilizes my will to move forward – and here I sit, stuck in that moment. Due penance… right?

Actually, the reality of it is, that isn’t my due penance… my due penance was taken upon a cross thousands of years ago. He took my shame for me, when they shamed Him in public. I know this… So why, Lord, do I so struggle with releasing myself from these particular shackles of shame and condemnation?

Because, you can’t see that I can make this beautiful…

I’ve walked this road of shame before. I held onto to it for years, simply because I felt it was my burden to bear. Lord, you had to teach me that if I chose to bear this burden, then I was saying the cross wasn’t enough to cover all my guilt and shame. So why is this one so difficult?

Because, you can’t see that I can make this beautiful…

What, Lord, what can you possibly make beautiful out of this?

Remove your cloak of shame and see… Give me your mess in exchange for my beauty. Take in a deep breath of my justice, and exhale my grace. I have recorded all your tears, and will use them as a weapon against your accuser! For I hold no record of wrong, so neither should you!

I may not understand exactly how He will make my poor choices beautiful. I may not ever even see it in my lifetime. But I know this, by staying hidden under this cloak, nothing good will ever come out of it, and I won’t be able to see a thing! And, if it stays in the dark the enemy has access to torment me, but whatever is brought into the light no longer controls me! Forgiving myself doesn’t excuse my poor choices, but it gives God access to do something beautiful with them!

Lord, please, use my mess for something beautiful, and remove my cloak of shame!

Rev 12:10; Psalm 56:8; Isa 61:3; Deut. 32:4; 1 Cor. 13:5;  2 Cor. 12:9

If you are struggling with the shame of something you cannot forgive yourself for. I pray you let God use your mess to make something beautiful, too.