It’s been a minute.
Not unlike most of the world, 2020 threw me into a tailspin and exposed a shadow side I was unaware of. My last post was over a year ago and a tribute to turning 50, where the future was mine to possess. Little did I know four weeks later, everyone’s world would be turned upside down. And I would see just how emotionally unhealthy I really was.
Vulnerability
Today is the first day I have had the courage even to put fingers on a keyboard. Oh, I’ve tried. I had several started back in 2020, but my words seemed so insignificant compared to what was going on, and my emotions were all over the place. Honestly, I didn’t really trust what I might put out there. Looking back, I missed a perfect opportunity to take you along the journey with me, but vulnerability is not my strength, and as much as I wanted to let you in, I didn’t really know-how.
Early March, before everything came to a screeching halt, I became an accredited Enneagram practitioner. There is an area that measures whether a person is faking good or faking bad. It classified me as “faking good.” Annoyed, I was certain the test was wrong because I felt healthier and more authentic than I have ever felt in my life. Then came the lockdowns, and oh my word, did it trigger me! I wasn’t as self-aware and integrated as I had thought I was, and 2020 was about to reveal to me areas that needed healing. So here is to me being somewhat vulnerable. I know this is a reflection piece, but I assure you I haven’t got it all cleaned up.
Defenses
My self-talk went from one of positivity to “I must be in control, and I must stay strong.” As every fiber in my being resisted that feeling of being controlled. I was struggling with anxiety and panic for the first time in my life. The world felt unsafe, and I did not know how to navigate it. Areas I had worked on before, like my aggressive behavior, seemed to come flooding back like a collapsed dam — I couldn’t seem to stop the triggers, and they were coming so fast I couldn’t keep up with them. The Enneagram calls this reaction by an Ennea 8 to present larger than life because the world feels threatening. I remember reading that, and the imagery of a peacock surfaced—the male fans his beautiful feathers to confuse a predator. I was in a fight or flight mode and way out of my depth. My behavior was definitely confusing people.
Strengths
I did, however, quickly recognize some of my strengths in a time of crisis. I am fiercely protective of those in my inner circle, and I search for solutions to problems. If there is a roadblock, I am the one finding the detour or making one if it doesn’t exist. But that natural energy that an Enneagram 8 possesses became overbearing and aggressive, which led to a lot of private messages from those who love me checking in to see if I was alright because they had never seen that side of me before on social media. However, others sent me some hate mail, hoping I would get the virus and die. And many, many others lectured me on how I have disappointed God, ruined “my testimony,” and shown myself to be an irresponsible leader. (sigh…) Then there were those who just quietly unfollowed me.
Weaknesses
My weaknesses seemed to present themselves daily, and I couldn’t seem to find my way out of this downward spiral I was in. I wasn’t only going through the pandemic, but I was in the midst of a family crisis and a legal battle that only compounded the crazy going on. I found myself becoming so cynical of people, and that love and compassion I felt had really blossomed over the past couple of years was quickly fading. By the fall of 2020, I hadn’t picked my Bible up in months, and I was becoming angrier and angrier of situations and people I had absolutely no control over. My spirit felt heavy, and my heart ached for the centered peace I felt back in February. I could feel myself believing what those people had written to me. I had gone too far, God could not redeem what I had shattered, and no one wanted to hear what I had to say.
Potential
Well, by the end of 2020, a lot had changed. My husband was offered a position with his company in Tennessee. So we left my beautiful home state and relocated. With the freshness of a new year, a new state, and a new home, I have started the process of reflection and restoration. Without the chaos of 2020, I wouldn’t have had the potential to access the level of self-awareness the pandemic and all the other crazy moments afforded me access to. And I would have continued to “fake good,” completely unaware of my blind spots and triggers. Funny, transformation isn’t anything how we think it will be. It’s not linear, and it isn’t a consistent upward trajectory. It looks more like the artwork of a 3-year-old on their parent’s wall. Really messy and sometimes unintentionally placed where it doesn’t belong.
Moving Forward
One of the greatest gifts I have given myself over the past couple of years is the gift of loving me. Especially the parts of my personality and character that others find intolerable and I find shameful and embarrassing. In my healing journey, I learned that God the Father is already there, loving those areas of my life I would rather avoid. So I might as well look at them and be kind to the woman who was struggling at that time.
Loving oneself isn’t tolerating or making excuses for bad behavior. But it is making space for the healing to begin. Remember when I said I had lost the love and compassion I had for people? Well, to regain it, I had to start with me. The Bible says to love others as you love yourself. I will only ever be able to love others to the degree I have allowed myself to be loved. It can come from no other place, only out of the overflow of our own personal experience of receiving love.
I plan to write more, and I hope it’s more often than once a year. Let’s see what happens. I keep telling myself, ‘I don’t have to get it right; I have to get it going.” Here is my first step of getting things going again.
Love and Friendship,
Beth
PS… Have you reflected on the past year yet? If so, I would love to hear what you’ve discovered about yourself. If you know your Enneagram number, I would love to hear that and if knowing your number has helped in healing and awareness. Share in the comments below or reply to the email this blog came from. I look forward to opening up the lines of communication again with you.
