I sat on the couch, her office was cozy and lit only by the lamps on the end tables. She leaned back in the grey leather recliner perfectly positioned in the corner of the room. The only thing missing was a warm cup of coffee. For a moment it felt like I was hanging out with a friend and not my therapist.
I was in control that day. I had a goal for the session, and a story to tell. Like any good storyteller, there would be a beginning, middle, and an end.
As I snuggled into the corner of the couch, grabbed the blanket off the arm, I put my mind on cruise control and retold my story. Then just as I am getting ready to make a right turn at my designated transition to the middle she says, “Let’s slow down right here, I’d like to talk a little bit about that.” Uh, wait a minute — that’s not a pause point in my outline.
I Am Not Sharing That…
I am not sure Dr. V. understands the author gets to determine when we linger longer and when we breeze on by. I had already
She leans toward me and begins asking those probing questions. To which I stutter and stammer over my words. Spinning the end of the blanket and adjusting my body posture in the couch, the room suddenly felt warmer.
“Beth, what’s your hesitation?”
I feel vulnerable.
“And how does being vulnerable make you feel?”
Weak…
And there you have it ladies and gentlemen my Enneagram 8 in all its glory!
Your Vulnerability is Brave Mine is Weak…
I view my vulnerability as a weakness… Everyone else is brave.
I went through a season where I practiced sharing vulnerably when looking at my redeemed past. But sharing in the middle of a mess, where I have no answers and no great solution to the problem — well that feels useless and of no value.
Recognizing the Pattern to Change the Process…
I have recently recognized a pattern in my life. And since I am in a season of self-discovery, I thought I would share what I discovered with you, in the event, I am not the only one who wrestles with showing their underbelly.
The truth is when I am struggling I withdraw from others. I hide my struggle and subconsciously tell myself a lie. Unless you can bring something to the table you’re no use to anyone. No one cares about what you’re going through unless there is a purpose to the pain or a three-step solution to slump. What the heck is that about?!
I am sure there were childhood events that helped seal that protective mask I wear. And I am certain that mask served me well as a child. But, friend, let me tell you as an adult it’s not serving me at all! I find myself pushing people away when I need them the most.
Can I get an amen out in the interweb world?
A Message of Hope in the Middle of the Mess…
My friend Kate, who has become my safe place to practice showing my underbelly, reminded me of a powerful truth. There is value in showing people how you’re managing the messy, especially when you’re not feeling very manageable.
And she is right — even more so in the Christian culture. Where not being ok isn’t ok because after all we’re people of faith.
But what if we’re not! What if we don’t know what the heck we’re doing and, we’re not ok. Who is out there telling us they’re a mess right now, but they’re holding on for dear life? I can tell you I sure wasn’t. I needed to wait until I could offer you something.
Well, the problem with that is it’s just not real life.
This is What Real Life Looks Like…
Sometimes the seasons are hard, the pain intense, and there is no amount of praying or reading your bible that fixes it. Sometimes the voice in your head is louder than the Holy Spirit in your heart, and opening up the Bible is the last thing you want to do. Sometimes, just sometimes, you question everything and doubt it all, and you go to bed hoping, and often begging, that you won’t be questioning or doubting when you wake up the next day. That my friend is REAL LIFE!
But somewhere in that authentic vulnerable mess we’re afraid our realness is doing some disservice to God. Like we’re not being a good representation of who is He is.
God’s Not Worried About His Reputation…
Well let me tell ya something friend — we’re not God. We’re His kids, and if you’ve got kids of your own you know it doesn’t take long before they do something that doesn’t represent you at all! Yet when they do it that doesn’t change their identity or your love for them and God is no different.
See somewhere over the past 25 years as a Christian, I believed a lie that my struggles, without solutions, ruined my testimony of faith. OH MY GOSH! What a crock of crap!
I learned recently that I can simultaneously be a woman of great faith and a woman falling apart. Some days I am standing on a solid rock and other days I’m on sinking sand. Most of that has to do with my mindset and absolutely nothing to do with my sonship. I am still fully loved and completely His whether standing or sinking. Man, I hope someone else needed to hear that other than me!
Let Me Keep Preaching to Myself — Just Follow Along…
It here goes…
We need to stop faking the faith while we’re struggling in the mess and be REAL! We need to let God take care of God’s reputation, and trust our testimony still stands even when we honor the truth, that being a Christian sometimes doesn’t make sense. That not everyone knows their purpose, and there are times we have NO ANSWERS to the questions we’re asking.
Because I suspect when we’re vulnerable, and stop Christian-white-washing hard places, we become more attractive to a world in pain and a church that’s hurting. At least that’s how I feel when I see someone expose their underbelly. It automatically gives me permission to breathe again!
Are you listening to yourself, Beth?
When we don’t try to solve everyone’s problems in a 30-minute sermon or the cherry-picked scripture verse blasted on social media. When we give honor to people’s real pain and don’t shy away from hard conversations with no solutions. Then I believe that’s when we let others experience the genuine love we carry inside of us in spite of our pain. Simple because we were willing to share our own and sit with them in theirs!
It’s Counterintuitive but do it Anyway…
So, friend, this is me calling myself out! I really struggle with showing my underbelly. When the chips are down and the questions are more plentiful than the answers, I tend to run. And I am tired of running!
So here it is… I don’t have answers to the season I am in. Some days I feel like I am preparing for a new book, and other days I feel like I’m a sloth surfing Facebook and Instagram avoiding life. It’s the weirdest place, and yet, in my weakness, He’s there in equal measure like He is when I am that girl on fire!
Guess what that says to me? It screams I’m enough whether I’ve got something or not. And sister so are you! Our vulnerability in the messy-middle-moments is the connection between the Spirit in me and the Spirit in you. It’s the authentic courage that says it’s completely ok to be you and me to be me, and I am still a mighty woman of God and so are you!
Let’s Stop Running…
Do you want to stop running too? I’m laying my mask down, and I hope it gives you the courage to lay yours down, also.
I would love to hear from you. So send me an email or write in the comments below what you plan to stop running from or fear you are preparing to face.
As I close I want to leave you with a quote from Brene’ Brown’s book Daring Greatly it’s an amazing smack in the face…
“Vulnerability is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional. Our only choice is a question of engagement. Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose; the level to which we protect ourselves from being vulnerable is a measure of our fear and disconnection.”
You’re welcome for the smack… 🙂
Love N Friendship,
