Releasing the Past

I was just there for the weigh-in — just being the optimal word. It took everything I had to work up the courage for a public weigh-in and photo op of me in a sports bra and yoga pants. So when the girl at the front desk said: “Go ahead and work out and we will finish this up after.” There might have been a delay in my response.

After? Workout? This was not my plan. I just wanted to observe today.

I walked into the open bay, the music thumping, energy high, and I suddenly had the urge to run. Not run as in workout, but run as in run to my car and leave! I stood in the back of the room and tried not to look awkward. So I chose that stretch-n-reach over the head move like an awkward boy inconspicuously trying to put his arm around his girlfriend. Really smooth — huh?

Like 95% of Americans fitness and health is on my 2018 goals. So I took my first step and signed up for a fitness challenge. What was I thinking? No seriously, those were the exact words I was shouting at myself 10 minutes into lunge squats! You want me to do what with that leg and push my butt where? Isn’t there a beginners class for this kind of stuff?

As I tragically stumbled through the hour-long workout, the slideshow in my head was reminding me of how I used to be physically fit, and I used to be able to do this, and how in the world did I let myself get this bad?!

What was I thinking?

I’m going to fail!

Just leave!

The internal dialog only grew louder and louder with every lunge, squat, situp, and then they went too far. They called for burpees, and friend if you don’t know what that is — trust me it’s nothing to do with burps. Google it. I just stood there. Frozen. I couldn’t move. The only thing I could hear was —  you can’t do this!

That’s the truth, isn’t it? When we can’t go a step more, we tear ourselves down on the inside because we can’t rise up to what everyone else is doing — or worse yet — what we once could!

I turned around and walked away. My body trembled, my heart raced, and I stood in the hallway with my back now facing the successful people burpee-ing away, and I cried. I told myself to pull it together — for goodness sakes, you’re at the gym girl! But I couldn’t stop crying, and let me just say, sweat + tears + makeup = a serious hot mess! Yet, I couldn’t walk out, as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I knew if I walked out, I wouldn’t walk back in.

Surrender to the voice of defeat and that voice will own you until another voice finds you.

I wiped my face with the inside of my shirt, mustered up everything inside me, and then I willed myself to return. As I walked back toward all the successfully sweaty people, I see the coach heading my way. Frantically I looked around for the closest bathroom to duck inside, but there wasn’t one close enough. Perhaps if I just keep looking down he won’t stop to talk to me.

No such luck. He had me in his sights.

Cornered, the coach began asking questions that only made the tears flow more. Are you kidding me? We’re not even on a first name basis, and I am snotting and crying in his gym. If killing my pride was God’s goal this year, we’re off to a great start!

But that’s when it happened. A voice louder than defeat arrived with the most genuine sound. He said, “You’ve already done the hardest part — you came through the front door. Everything else gets easier from here. You just have to let go of who you used to be, what you used to be able to do, and accept yourself right where you are, because this is a whole new journey.”

There it was, the voice louder than defeat, and strong enough to get me to attempt those ridiculous burpees — to which I failed miserably! But I tried. I humbled myself and tried over and over again only this time I was gentler with myself.

It only takes one genuinely kind voice, to change the conversation inside our heads and embrace a new mantra. Yet, in order to embrace one thing we must be willing to release something.

On that stinky, hard, miserable gym floor I released my old self, and what I used to be, how I used to look, and what I used to do. Then I embraced where I am today and honored my temporary limitations as part of my new transformation.

Friend, when we’re always looking in the review mirror, we can’t move very far forward. When we’re too busy comparing ourselves to someone else, or worse yet, to a part of ourselves that doesn’t exist anymore — how can we move ahead?

Whether it’s how we once were firm in our faith but now we’re not. Or how we used to go to church but now we don’t. Or how we used to feel God’s presence but now we can’t. Or whatever your “used to” is let it go! We’re not there anymore. We’re not even that person anymore. We’re different.

Trying to go back and recreate something that “used to be” is doing a disservice to all that you’ve done since then. Because if you give up the now for the great parts of back then, well then you have to give up the great parts of today and accept the bad parts of back then.

When we release the past and let the past be the past, we can be free to embrace our future — whatever it might offer. Then we can start in a realistic place, where we are honest about who we are and what’s going on in our life. Then we have real freedom to move forward.

I know it can be hard to embrace the unknown future. After all what if we fail, but friend what if we don’t? What if what awaits us on the other side of “I used to be” is far better than we ever imagined it to be?

It’s easier to build on a what is real and presently in front of us than it is to attempt to recreate what no longer exists. Embrace who you are and where you are and let’s commit to moving forward together.

Your friend in faith,

Let’s Chat… what about your past has overstayed its welcome? Are you ready to release it so you can embrace something else? If so let me know in the comments below.