A Letter to My 8-Year-Old Self

Hey little one,

Happy 50th Birthday. In honor of making it far longer than we believed we ever would. (Remember how convinced we were Jesus would return by the time we reached 30? hehe) I decided to write to you and tell you all the things I wish you could have known. So let’s take a deep breath shall we and begin.

A big’n is coming, so brace yourself. The information you’re about to learn regarding your biological father and the man you call dad will impact you in ways you can’t imagine. But in the end, you’ll find your own identity. So remember to breathe through the confusion this causes. You’re still inside there, sweetheart.

I think it’s important I let you know right away that you’re going to make it through all the moments you don’t think you can survive another day. 

And let’s get this one out there, too. Striving for perfection is a lost cause. You’ll spend years masking over your imperfections as you try to prove to people, whose opinions do not matter, that they are wrong about you.

You’re going to make a lot of mistakes, and many of them will haunt and torment you in the years to come. But hear me on this just because you screwed up doesn’t mean they were right, and nothing you do is irreparable. 

You’re going to travel, have many different jobs, meet people from all over the world, and have a lot of unbelievable moments in life. But you will not live in Los Angeles or New York City. And you won’t be sad about that. 😉

The journey is going to be quite the haul. But you’re gonna wake up on your 50th Birthday smiling, grateful, and content, as well as a bit rebellious at the thought of getting “old.”

You’ll spend a lot of your life feeling like you don’t fit in. Most of the time, you’ll believe it’s because you’re not enough, and then you’ll swing to you’re just too much. Somewhere along the way, you’ll lose yourself, but you’ll discover her again. Actually, you will fall in love with her, and fitting in won’t seem to be that big of a deal. But it will suck that the revelation comes so much later in life.

Comparision will be your Achilles heel. You will live decades believing you’re too fat, not kind enough, too abrasive, and not as smart as others. It’s all bullshit and a waste of time. There is coming a season in your life where you will hold regret and gratitude simultaneously.

You will look back and see success where you only saw failure. Find yourself admiring photos you couldn’t stand. And one day you’ll hear yourself agreeing with your husband when he says he’s a lucky man.

Yep, you’ll get married and to a good one. You’re going to find your husband at 15, elope at 18, and marry him again at 19. Your brokenness and immaturity will seriously screw things up in that department. But I promise you won’t have the marriage you grew up seeing.

Still, you’ll go through a time of feeling dissatisfied, and you’ll blame Tom. Eventually, you will realize he could never fill that Grand Canyon size void in your life — only you could do that. You are gonna feel a lot of shame about the things you’ve done to your marriage. You’ll regret how much time you wasted, and the pain you inflicted upon him. But gratitude will be sitting right next to that regret, so little girl, don’t stay in that pain too long. 

God gave him to you because He knew this man would love you through the chaos. And in return, you wildly and unashamedly love him back. So hold on tight during the hard years, beautiful. It’s hella worth it on the other side. 

The two of you will make two incredible children. Yes, I know you say you’ll never have kids now — but you will. Raising them will be by far the hardest thing you ever do. One will have some significant disabilities that will challenge you to your core, and the other will feel somewhat ignored because of that. You’re going to screw up a lot. Fear will make you do some crazy crap! You will scream at them too loud and slap them too much out of frustration and anger. Your momma-guilt will eat away at you.

There will be a football field incident with a ref, a throwing of an iPhone and a hammer to an iPod moment, A few IEP meetings that you lost your shiz in, and other not-so-proud moments. You won’t even come close to the perfect image of a mom you’ve created in your mind. But, Hunny, that doesn’t mean you’re a failure at motherhood! I know it sounds crazy but these embarrassing moments will be stories your kids tease you about later.

You will get a lot of do-overs, and make right some pretty ugly wrongs. Facing that garbage won’t be fun at all. But you’re going to end up with two incredible humans, and beautiful friendships with both of them. They are going to love and respect you despite your failures. And oddly enough, your vulnerability and apologies will set them free from the shame they’re struggling with, too. So don’t run from the pain, Bethy. Lean in! 

Lastly, you will fight for years with anger, rage, as well as black and white thinking. Its root is fear, and it’s from the pain you stuffed super deep. You’ll judge yourself harsher than any person will ever judge you. And these weaknesses will torment you. But one day you will come to terms with your pain and it will also make way for you to live with compassion.

So when you’re working through the shame of your mistakes. When the memories make you feel like you could throw up, and the thought of sharing even a top surface part of your story makes you want to hide. Please share it anyway because your courage and vulnerability will help others find their truth, too.

Now hold this next bit of information tightly to your heart — not in spite of, but because of the mistakes, pain, and shame, you will find a purpose more significant than you. Yes, people will judge you. But more will thank you. Remember, sweetie, you have a voice so don’t stay silent!

Oh, and about God. Yes, I am talking about the one you whisper to at night, on the top bunk, while staring at the stars. He does hear you, and He genuinely knows you. He will be with you in your dark places. You’ll wonder why he trusted you with kids when you hurt yours. You’ll doubt his presence when you feel desperately alone. And question his love when you see the ones you love suffer.

You’re going to spend a lot of years getting religion and a relationship all twisted and mixed up. You will work very hard when you don’t need to. But there will come a day when you won’t. And on that day, you learn you’ve been enough all along. 

Oh, my beautiful little 8-year-old Elizabeth Ann. How I wish I could sit with you right now and hold you, brush your long auburn hair, and enjoy that spirited laugh. I so want you to have all the knowledge of you at 50 without any of the pain from the next 42 years, but one cannot come without the other. And you were built for the road life has called you down. 

If I could have given you a little note to keep in your pocket for the next four decades, these are the things I think you would need to repeat often:

• I’m wise. 
• I’m fierce. 
• I’m kind.
• I can trust myself.
• And shame doesn’t get to change my name. 

Enjoy life, Bella, it moves so damn fast! 

Love and hugs from your older, a little greyer, loving self,

Me

P.S. Being a Nonna is by far the coolest thing you EVER get to do! Even if you still don’t like the name “grandma.” Ew so old!

P.S.S. If you’ve made it to the end, I would love it if you’d write me back and share something you’d say to your younger self. xoxo