I Am Enough

We were just thrilled to hear Nicole Neitzel over at Loving Relentlessly was willing to share her experience with Stronghold! Nicole’s honest, authentic writings are like a cool drink of water that soothe the parched lips of those whispering “maybe I am the only one who feels this way.” Find her original post here, and make sure to show her some love!

“For I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can’t, and life can’t. The angels won’t, and all the powers of hell itself cannot keep God’s love away. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, or where we are—high above the sky, or in the deepest ocean—nothing will ever be able to separate us from the love of God demonstrated by our Lord Jesus Christ when he died for us.” Romans 8:38-39 (TLB)

For years I followed a legalistic God. A far away God who watched my every move waiting for me to mess up, again. He towered over me, rod in his right hand, glaring at me from the beauty of heaven. He was waiting on the chance to throw me into the pits of hell. Which was a place I was convinced I would end up eventually.

I remember reading the Left Behind series when I was eleven years old. I would lie in bed convincing myself that I saw a bright flash behind my closed eyelids while I was trying to sleep at night. I would lay as still as possible, and once I realized that I was still in bed and not floating to heaven, I would listen quietly for the breathing of my sister in the bed next to me. I always knew that she would go to heaven. She was perfect. Everyone loved her. I loved her, and thought that if anyone deserved to go, she definitely did.

If, after a few moments of straining my ears to hear her breath, I still couldn’t, I’d rouse myself from bed and climb into bed with her. I would place my face next to hers just to be sure. It was always the biggest relief when I found her still breathing. I could finally go to sleep knowing that, at least for tonight, I hadn’t been left behind.

I even had a plan of action for the inevitable time that I was left behind would come. I would take my parents car (I could totally drive it. It didn’t matter that I was eleven), and make my way to New Lenox. My grandpa who definitely was not saved lived there and he could take care of me. I had read the books, so I knew what to expect. I knew that the roads would probably be littered with cars, maybe a few air planes would crash from the sky. However, that was okay because we lived out in the country. I could just drive over the fields and slowly find my way towards the city.

Although I eventually grew out of my fear of being left behind (or just stopped caring), I never stopped believing in the grouchy God with all of the rules and the anger. That was until I was nineteen and left our church to figure things out for my own.

The further I dug into God’s Word, the more I realized that he loves me. Like, really loves me. All of the things that I grew up thinking were character flaws destined to send me to hell, were actually traits he placed in me to bring him glory. Either because I used them for good, or I overcame them and lived to tell about it.

Then I became a mother, and man, I get it. That love. Here are two beings that I “helped” create. I carried them in my womb. Anticipated who they would look like and what kind of people they would be. I gave birth to them. It doesn’t matter what they do, my love will never end for them. They are mine, just as we are God’s. What I feel for my children is nothing compared to what God feels for us.

Beth Kinder, in her book “Stronghold” (releasing this Spring) says: “Who God literally is, we give to others. We choose who to love and who not to love. We can start and stop at any time—God cannot. He does not and cannot start and stop at will. It is impossible. This is why God’s love for us is never conditional, and never based upon how good or bad we are.”

Just like I can never stop loving my children, God can never stop loving us. It doesn’t matter what we do, our value never goes up or down in his eyes.

The fear I had as a child of being left behind because I wasn’t as “good” as my sister was completely baseless. God doesn’t expect me to be my sister. He only wants me to be me, and he loves me for that. That is enough. I am enough.

Have you ever felt as though you weren’t enough for God? Try picking up His Word at some point today, and see for yourself just what he has to say about you, His beloved!