God’s Plan For Our Children

I sat on the bed reading the medical reports. My four-year-old little girl had just gone through months of testing. My mom knower knew something wasn’t right. The doctors were apathetic at best, but finally I would have answers. Now they would tell me what I wanted to hear – or was it?

Cognitive, gross/fine motor development, speech, and hearing were all tested and the overall functioning age was – 30 months. Wait, what did I just read? My four-year-old is functioning at 2 and half years old? Kaitlyn had been diagnosed with a neurological disorder and developmentally delayed. Simply stated, my little girl’s brain wasn’t functioning as it was supposed to.

I suddenly didn’t want to know anymore. I suddenly wanted to erase the words off the paper. My mom knower was right, but suddenly I wanted it to be very, very wrong.

Then it hit me, the tidal wave of guilt. A continuum of shaming and blaming went on and on.

Before I was looking for a label, an answer, and now I was looking for a reason why – someone to blame, and the obvious person was me. I was the reason why my daughter wasn’t normal. After all, she grew inside of me. I failed. Diagnosed just after delivery with placental insufficiency, my body deprived her of the most basic necessities oxygen, blood, and nutrition.

My “suddenlies” of motherhood were now being turned into “sudden-lies”. The enemy was listing off every reason I was unfit and incapable of raising her. All of the unknowns and what-ifs were being fired at me as absolutes. Every prognosis – negative, and the reality was my daughter would never be like everyone else.

In an instant dreams and visions of her future were shattered. How would she function in the real world if she couldn’t tie her shoes and dress herself like they said? How would she communicate if she couldn’t talk or worse yet read or write as they predicted? What kind of life would she live?

Lost in my own mind, I laid on my bed consumed in fear. I cried out to God, the only one who knew her real future. I’d like to say I heard a great voice from above, but all I got was silence.

Then a few days later, when the anxiety began to subside, the whisper came…

For I know the plans I have for her, says the Lord, they are plans for good and not for disaster, to give her a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

I didn’t know anything about the Bible when Kaitlyn was born. But a friend of mine wrote my little girl a letter after her birth. In it she prayed Jeremiah 29:11 over her. I didn’t understand the significance when I first read the verse, but four years later God was whispering it to me with purpose.

Twenty years later, a sea of tears have been shed. I’ve fought battles that felt like unmovable mountains. And rivers of prayers have been said, but last Monday I dropped my twenty-year-old daughter off at college as a vocal major. 

For years I have fought a fight that felt like I was walking against the current of a great river with weighted ankles. Endless doctor appointments with pediatric neurologists, occupational therapists, speech, and special education. So often I felt like they were working against us instead of for us.

I wouldn’t be ok with just getting by, my girl was going to live independently and successfully! So, I fought and pushed and made them listen.

I pushed against my pride at the label special needs. I fought special day classes. I demanded a school system listen when they wanted to just push her along, and I fought her – who just wanted to quit. Because she knew enough to know she was different, but couldn’t comprehend why. I fought the disappointment, the shame, the guilt, the isolation, and the above all I fought the fear!

But last week, when I walked the college campus with her, mapping out the school and her classes like we’ve done since she was in first grade. It took everything I had not to cry as we took a selfie outside the student lounge. Or when she held up her school sweatshirt with such pride. I couldn’t wipe the grin of my face, it literally caused my cheeks to hurt because it was so big, and the Lord whispered once again…

For I know the plans I have for her, says the Lord, They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give her a future and a hope.

I have tucked the last week away in my mom heart. I know the college years will be academically challenging. We will probably add to the fight mountain (between she and I). We will no doubt shed more tears, and the prayers will continue to flow. But this past week will be my motivation to see the college years through.

So, to the mom who is reading this, the one who is worried about her child’s future, and afraid she doesn’t have what it takes to raise that little one. I know your suddenlies seem like truth, but let me assure you they are sudden-lies. Spoken by an enemy who wants to convince you it’s hopeless, so that he can have your child. But today I am going to pass on to you what one mother once said to me:

God gave you this child because He knew you would never stop fighting for her. He knew you were the perfect one to raise her. He will give her everything she needs, so that she can do all that God has called her to do. 

And with that I say press on mom, God has great plans for the one He brought forth from your womb, and you’re a major part of making it happen.

XOXO,