Father’s Day Without A Father

Father’s Day… It’s kinda tough…

I won’t be calling my dad. I won’t be sending him a card, and we won’t be having a barbecue honoring his legacy. Even when we somewhat spoke buying a Father’s Day card was well… awkward. Each Hallmark card I grabbed never quite fit this thing we called a relationship.

Many of us sit in this same tricky, cumbersome, odd moment of time. Where we wrestle with the longing to have what this holiday is for, and faced with the reality it’s just not going to be. For some of us, we grew up with an absent, abusive, or neglectful dad. We didn’t choose it, but the truth is its shaped our worth and defined how we interact with men – to include God.

In the book The Shack, by WM Paul Young, a question is asked if God is spirit, why refer to Him as a Father.

Let me say for now, that we knew once the creation was broken, true fathering would be much more lacking than mothering. Don’t misunderstand me, both are needed – but an emphasis on fathering is necessary because of the enormity of its absence. [p.96]

The unavailability of my dad has rocked me to my core. Chances are its probably messed with you, too.

I have watched powerful men weep because the absence of one man’s approval obliterates all their successes. I speak to women who walk into one tumultuous relationship after another attempting to feel worthy of love. I see believer after believer keep God at a distance, because if their earthy father cannot be trusted how can an invisible one be?

It took me years before I realized how much my father had impacted my relationship with God. It’s taken the better part of a 20-year relationship with Christ to shrink the gaping whole in my heart left by the man I called Dad.

Looking back, I often felt like I had to prove myself to God like I had to prove myself to my dad. The reality of what was really happening is God was chasing me, and through his relentless pursuit, proving He was safe to trust.

Father’s Day still stings. I could really go for a sappy Hallmark card to send. The difference is the pain of the past no longer dictates my relationship with God. I now see God as a loving Father I can trust, but it took walking with Him through some painful and stretching seasons of:

Forgiving my dad over and over again.
Loving him when he hurt me.
Honoring him when he was undeserving.
Having compassion on him when I wanted to hold an offense.
And letting him go when it wasn’t healthy to hold on.

Over the years, the enormity of my dad’s absence has shrunk, and the evidence of God’s presence has increased. I won’t lie. The yearning for an earthly dad hasn’t subsided. When I wrote my book, I secretly wished he would have emailed me and said good job. And when I spoke to my first large audience, I longed to share it with him. But God has been faithful to whisper each time, well done daughter I saw you there.

If today is painful for you, my prayer is that the enormity of your earthly father’s absence will be filled with the grandeur of your heavenly Father’s presence. My hope for you, is that His approval and opinion of you will one day become enough, and that you, too, will hear well done daughter, I see you there. 

XOXO,