Being a mom wasn’t enough, and for years I wrestled with that guilt. I wanted it to be. I wanted to feel completely satisfied, but no matter the day whether it was stellar or stinky — motherhood just wasn’t enough.
It wasn’t my vision 2 kids, a minivan, and a mortgage. My dream was corporate American and to travel the world. So when we decided to have children, I thought I could have it all — the career, the car, and the kids. But I couldn’t.
I’m an all or nothin’ kinda gal, and the career pulled at my heart. To be honest, I enjoyed it more than the mundane days of diapers, housework, and homework. When work called everything else took a backseat. So, I did what I felt was best for my family, and placed my career and goals on a temporary shelf and chose to stay at home.
Between changing diapers, the preschool performances, class mom, team mom, costume designer, housekeeper, homeschooler, and carpool master — I was checking off all the boxes of what I thought would make me feel satisfied as a mom. Yet, still I wanted more. I tried to psych myself into feeling as though this was what I was built for, but it wasn’t the only thing I was made for. I really wanted to be like other stay-at-home moms who were fully satisfied with crafts and cuddles, but I was not.
I often found myself anticipating the when. You know… when they start preschool. When they start all-day school. When they can stay home alone, and when they can drive themselves, because then I could… But I couldn’t.
So I placed my dreams permanently upon an invisible shelf, and accepted my new position as CEO of the Kinder Corporation. Where I was CFO of a very small operating budget. COO of speech therapy, occupational therapy, IEP meetings, soccer, baseball, and football schedules. And I went back to waiting for the when.
Today I mailed off the last of my son’s graduation announcements. I am now at the end of my when. Over the past 5 years I have built the career. I have a corporation, and I am the founder and president of a nonprofit. Now I behold both. But looking back – knowing how I longed for more than motherhood – I’d have a chat with my ambitious young self.
Over a much-needed glass of wine, I would ease my guilt and tell me a secret… It’s ok to want more, but let motherhood be enough, because enough isn’t a feeling it’s being.
Looking back, I can see the web I was caught in. The guilt of wanting to be satisfied as a mother, and wrestling with the fact that it never quite did it for me. I don’t think that’s all bad. I don’t think it’s wrong to do both, want more, and not be fully content with being a mom.
I just wish I hadn’t spent so much time anticipating the when, because the when came so much faster than I expected, and I sure wish I would have been a bit more present when it was all taking place.
So to the moms reading this where motherhood just doesn’t quite do it for you. Shake off that guilt. It’s ok to want more, and I promise you there is time for both. But for now linger a little longer over their crib. Stare a few seconds more at their drawing. Embrace longer; laugh louder, ask another question, and answer two more. And sister, for the love of all things holy and pure – WORRY A LOT LESS!
Today I am sharing this blog, because I know I can’t be alone in this thought, with the amazing women over at #RaRaLinkup with Kelly Balarie at Purposeful Faith
Happy Mother’s Day,
